two hours and thirty-five minutes

It can take two hours and thirty-five minutes of driving to mentally unpack two weeks.⁣⁣

Two hours and thirty-five minutes buckled behind the wheel watching a summer sky burn and flicker through deeper shades, racing to see who will get to rest first. ⁣⁣

It’s been days on days of fighting injustices at work. Of cheering friends on through incredible new stages of life. Of seeking and chasing what aligns with my values. ⁣⁣

But underneath what’s good and true and solid is another side. ⁣⁣

I’ve uncharacteristically started looking for spicy foods. Just to feel my lips burning. ⁣⁣

I downloaded a dating app and deleted it in less than a day, way uncomfortable and wigged out.

⁣⁣I’ve been struggling to eat alone, oddly numb about it. ⁣⁣

At the first sign of fear or doubt, I’ve been running face-fucking-first through every opportunity. As if to prove to myself I can create stability through sheer willpower. ⁣⁣Instead of waiting to see if something will be unbearably painful or scary, I’m forcing myself to go through haphazard boundary checks. ⁣⁣

Sometimes it works out fucking brilliantly and I find a new job that is everything I’ve been looking for. ⁣⁣However, clearly, there are also costs when it doesn’t pan out to success: insert the above weird and unhealthy shit.

⁣⁣I haven’t figured out how to move on after losing one of my longest ride-or-die, be-there-no-matter-what kind of friends. ⁣⁣The kind of trust that was years in the making (and seems daunting to create again).

⁣⁣I’ve been unknowingly measuring how connected/loved I am by how useful/helpful I can be to friends and family to distract from my cravings for more deep connections (and fear of not being able to build more).⁣⁣

There’s a point when driving in the evening where the sun sits just under or around every possible sun visor adjustment – even if I squirm and rest my weight in a weird way. ⁣⁣

Similarly, that’s what acknowledging the messy, painful parts of this journey feels like.

Especially out loud.

Let me know if you can relate to any of this – I’d love to hear more of your story.

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