I bought a box of mini chocolates shiny new shoes earrings and hair clips a facial mask oil drops in a small glass jar black purses a black-tie-affair
I sat in a bath and every ounce of every feeling I was afraid of feeling sat with me under skin in places I can’t claw or cover and damn me for feeling so damn human fragile and unfixed tension locked in jaw muscles shoulder blades
I can’t fix my sleeping these pills my feelings but lord I keep trying to drown them in hot soapy water that smells like eucalyptus and desperation
darling why can’t I stop dreading this endless ache I’m undone I’m undone
some people chase storms I chase truth buried under years of rust wrong turns riddled with righteous reasoning but I can’t rest until it rolls from your tongue metallic taste metal or blood it’s the same the reckoning
I want to smell and feel warm rain. I want to wear thick sweaters. I want to wake up somewhere new. I want to feel chest static and contentment. I want to drink cups of coffee out of loved mugs. I want to chase mist mornings and quiet peace. I want to bake sourdough bread. I want lots of dog naps in cool sheets. I want to sleep in to morning light. I want to understand through my hands. I want to hold my friends’ babies. I want to explore greenhouses. I want to eat plates filled with cake.